Technology sales is a tough business. Competition is brutal, and you need every advantage you can muster. Blowing a gasket is not an option. To stay productive, you have to keep your cool and maintain a healthy sense of humor about your job.
To help you put the lid on your gasket and keep rockin’ and rollin’, we’ve taken a look at a few traditional technology sales terms and made some lighthearted, tongue-in-cheek attempts to uncover what they really mean. Enjoy!
Dictionary of Hi-Tech Terms, Translated
new - different color trim from the previous design
Actual benefits are nice, but wouldn’t you rather be dazzled by pretty colors?
all new - parts are not interchangeable with the previous design
Who needs a bunch of interchangeable parts when it’s so much easier to spend tons of money on entirely new ones?
design simplicity - occurs when manufacturers cut costs
Don’t worry. When our manufacturers cut costs, it only seems like quality suffers.
foolproof operation - no provisions for adjustments; no added options
Who wants to be reassured by adaptability or confused by multiple options?
advanced design - the advertising agency doesn't understand it
Doesn’t it feel good to know that if you don’t understand it, you’re not alone?
field-tested - the manufacturer lacks testing equipment
When technology functions in a wheat field, it’s got to be good.
years of development - finally, we came up with something that works
If you’re impressed by years of research and development, you should hear how long it took us to develop our software in dog years.
breakthrough - we finally figured out a way to sell it
It’s true. We’ve broken through more sales barriers than Steven Seagal has enemy lines.
improved - didn't work the first time
So we’ve supersized it.
high reliability - we made it work long enough to ship it
If the product doesn’t work right out of the box, it’s usually due to user error. For $199.99 more a month, we can troubleshoot that for you.
new generation - old design failed, but maybe this one will work
We generally recommend that you cross your fingers, since crossed fingers make it difficult to type up complaints.
There. Don’t you feel better?